[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
You Might Also Like
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
i- i did not expect this