Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time