Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door