Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
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experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…