Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
You Might Also Like
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?