Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
#StillHurts
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily