*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”