A double negative is a big no-no.
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Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Oh hi lol
Come back with a warrant
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.