If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
spicy snake
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.