People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
In space, no one can hear…
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.