I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
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I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.