If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
$4 #usedbooks
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.