Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
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is this meant to deter me
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Stop it! 😂
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
What if the weather talks about us?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.