I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this