One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
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The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*