Morning my dudes.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.