Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The funk soul brother
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…