Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”