News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
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When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.