Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
You Might Also Like
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[eulogy]
line?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible