I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
You Might Also Like
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”