In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
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These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I think about this a lot
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.