There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
You have been warned.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter