me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Weirdos gonna weird.
channeling her this year
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.