She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Today’s Times
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!