I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t