My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”