Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
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i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
How I’d get arrested…
*frowns in Scottish*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.