Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
You Might Also Like
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee