Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
You Might Also Like
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so