2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.