[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
If snakes were wide
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.