Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
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We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?