The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
You Might Also Like
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.