Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro