big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
seems like a niche market
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”