new wife guy just dropped
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?