Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.