I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day