Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp