If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Expect the unexporcupine.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Brands during Pride
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Don’t tell me what to do