listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
my dog when i have a friend over
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]