I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
This checks out
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable