The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Flowers bee like
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N