me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?