read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.