[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
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I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
A wise man once said nothing.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My background check bounced.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.