A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
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Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]