Why do meteors always land in craters?
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
#Caturday
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.