richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Practicing safe sax
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.